Tears that are never shed do not go away. They become something else—bitterness, depression, hardness of heart, increased grief. Perhaps we should take a moment to think about the tears we have not cried, and what they are becoming for us. Maybe it’s time to let them go.
I often work with people who are perhaps at a crossroads in their life, maybe evaluating where they are going and refocusing, for a variety of different reasons. I recently came across the concept of 'Ikigai' which I suppose I would call 'congruence' - finding a way to be your real self in whatever aspect of your life you find yourself. For me, counselling and psychotherapy are my Ikigai - what would fit for you?
My Myers Briggs personality type is INFJ - the Counsellor (phew!), what's yours?
INFJs are creative nurturers with a strong sense of personal integrity and a drive to help others realize their potential. Creative and dedicated, they have a talent for helping others with original solutions to their personal challenges.
The Counsellor has a unique ability to intuit others' emotions and motivations, and will often know how someone else is feeling before that person knows it himself. They trust their insights about others and have strong faith in their ability to read people. Although they are sensitive, they are also reserved; the INFJ is a private sort, and is selective about sharing intimate thoughts and feelings.
Worried that you are not good enough as a parent, a partner, a child, an employee, a person?
Take heart. Professor Donald Winnicott was a pediatrician who introduced the “good enough mother” in 1953. He took a softer approach than Freud in his views about the role of parents, which popularized his teachings. Dr Winnicott recognized the need for children to realize that
'a mother is neither good nor bad nor the product of illusion, but is a separate and independent entity: The good-enough mother ... starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant’s needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant’s growing ability to deal with her failure. Her failure to adapt to every need of the child helps them adapt to external realities'.
Dr Winnicott’s teachings boiled down to the fact that a good enough mother was better than the perfect mother.
The concept of 'Good Enough' is now being applied in technology, industry, medicine, and can be applied to you too! Check out the full article to read more ....
Click here for the link
I recently came across the following from Ben Wilson, a former depression sufferer who discovered the therapeutic power of poetry and to his surprise became a published poet as a result! In my counselling work, a number of clients have found poetry, both reading it and writing it, helpful as a means of expressing inner emotions and experiences. Ben explains :
'I put together a collection of poems, some written before my depression, and some after I’d recovered from it. A collection that I hoped was truer and braver than my earlier attempts at writing, and one that might touch on shared feelings, common experiences. I entered it for a competition, judged by Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy, and to my surprise, it won.
Now don’t get me wrong, it was very exciting to see a little book of my poems published – to see my name on the cover. But the best thing by far was the response I got once it started to find its way into people’s hands. When people got in touch to say they really felt and understood what particular poems were trying to express, it reignited my belief in the power of poetry – to reach out and to speak to others, to strangers, simply by expressing a shared experience in a memorable way.
I wanted the poem to be about holding on – about keeping that shred of belief, even in the worst moments
In my poem ‘Hound’, I wanted to make use of the iconic image of depression as ‘the black dog’. But I wanted to show it in a different light – as an imaginary creature that can be defeated, and will come to be defeated, time and again. I wanted the poem to be about holding on – about keeping that shred of belief, even in the worst moments of clinical depression, that things will get better. Because they will, and they do.
I reckon poetry can sometimes be a way of imagining the very worst, even a way of facing up to it – using words as a kind of weapon. But I also think poetry shows us how to use words as a shield, to help protect us. If ‘Hound’ can offer even the slightest defence against the black dog, when it comes after me, you, or anyone else, then I’ll feel like the poem has done its job.
When it comes, and I know how it comes
from nowhere, out of night
like a shadow falling on streets,
how it waits by the door in silence –
a single black thought, its empty face –
don’t let it tie you down to the house,
don’t let it slope upstairs to spend
hours coiled next to your bed,
but force the thing out, make it trudge
for miles in cold and wind and sleet.
Have it follow you, the faithful pet
it pretends to be, this mutt
like a poor-man’s Cerberus,
tell it where to get off when it hangs
on with its coaxing look,
leave it tethered to a lamppost
and forget those pangs of guilt.
Know it’s no dog but a phantom,
fur so dark it gives back nothing,
see your hand pass through
its come-and-go presence,
air of self-satisfied deception,
just as the future bursts in on
the present, its big I am, and that
sulking hound goes to ground again.'
This quote from the great author Maya Angelou really speaks to me. There is a fundamental need for us to be heard and understood. From the earliest humans' cave paintings to the present day's social media explosion, people have felt the need to tell their stories. As a counsellor, I am privileged to experience the power of my clients' unburdening themselves and sharing their deepest thoughts and feelings, often for the first time. The act of telling our 'untold stories' can help us not only in the sense of the release or 'catharsis' we experience, but also in that by voicing them, they can somehow be grasped more easily, taken hold of, and ultimately reframed such that we are in control and they are no longer controlling our lives.